I LOVE IT when the news media — this newspaper included — quote experts explaining what I am supposed to do when it's hot out. Apparently, none of us has ever been in such a situation before or, if we were, the heat so addled our brains that we forgot what we did to survive.
So I am grateful for the reminders. Otherwise, I might sit like a melted lump and wait for the lady of the house or the kindness of strangers to stick an IV into me and cart me away.
My favorite tip is the one that urges me to "drink more liquids." If not for this reminder, I would most likely do one of two things. Either I would attempt to drink a solid, which could be harmful, or I would not think to drink at all, and perish.
Notice how the recommendation is never merely that I should "drink more." My theory here is that government agencies, the Red Cross, etc., feel it politically incorrect to urge people to "drink more." This sounds like an invitation to crack open a Miller Lite or something.
In fact, the helpful hints go on to specify what kind of liquids I should drink. "Juices and water" are about it. No carbonated beverages (what used to be known in these parts as tonic), no alcoholic drinks (what I currently and lovingly refer to as gin and tonic), and not even anything really cold.
I should also turn on an air conditioner, something else that never would have occurred to me. And if I didn't have one, I should "seek the lowest point" in my house. I think that would be my kitchen. At least, that's the lowest point in my wallet right now.
Some of these heat tips are themselves behind the times. Hip people don't "drink." They "hydrate." It is important, in the heat, to "keep hydrated." Makes it sound like we are all plants, don't you think? But plants don't wear light and light-colored clothing, which is another tip, without which last week I would have likely dressed up in a wool scarf, hat, mittens, and my dark overcoat.
If I do feel thirsty, I am told, it's probably too late to "hydrate." I am probably a goner. They may as well stick a fork into me. I'm done.
Speaking of hip, did you know that the latest hip fad among teens consists of covering someone's lawn, roof, car, etc. with plastic forks?
Apparently, this is the 21st Century version of tossing rolls of toilet paper. I'm not sure I like either one, so I will await instructions from the experts.
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