Nemesis

I used to fly off the handle at any little thing. As I get older, people think I am mellowing out. They would be mistaken.

Just like Kirk, I have a particular nemesis. Some people might laugh, but my nemisis is just as cunning and evil as Khan. Vacuum cleaners are my own special bane in life. 

Is there anything so diabolical? Is there any worse obstacle to, if not cheerfully, at least stoically, cleaning a house? Both canisters and uprights are just as cupable in the matter. I present my case:

Upright vacuums are supposed to be a good choice for some. They are usually more powerfull than canisters, which appeals to animal owners like me. They pick up dog/cat hair off the carpet nicelly. Unfortunately, they also  like to suck the fibers right out of the carpet. Additionally, they try to eat the whole carpet, starting with pulling up the corners and munching their way through, much as a starving horse will go thru several bales of hay. And if you want to keep an area rug in one piece, you don't even let it get within sight of the vacuum!

Upright vacuum also have evil electrical cords. They will wind around your feet to trip you up - no matter how carefull you are. They move of their own accord and make sure they are in the way at all times. And when it is time to wind them up on their pegs, they will not stay put but rather have to slither off and become a hopeless mess.

These vacuums are no good on linoleum or hard wood floors either. Despite the fact that they advertise the vacuums to be dual-duty, I find that to be misleading. Actually, the second duty of the upright vacuum (besides leaving carpeting bald) is to throw every piece of dirt and sand on the linoleum at your feet and legs. It isn't a soft lob either - it gets the detritus up to a speed just short of mach 1, and aims for any bare spot on the body (especially painfull during warm weather when wearing shorts). 

And just for spite, an upright vacuum cannot seem to come back out from under a piece of furniture, once you have gotten it in there. And if on a good day (when the vac is feeling generous), it doesn't get stuck, you just know it is going to spit a belt out.

I have plotted, and successfully caried out the murder of just such a vacuum (go to the 2nd half of the entry).

Canister vacs are just as bad. The hoses are made especially to get attracted to anything within a 5 foot diameter, where the special "flexing" gets stuck. You can't just flip the hose of the item it is stuck on - it is super glued until you physically go over to remove it. Then it will immediately fall on your toes the second you get within 5" of touching it.

The cord of a canister vac will get caught on any piece of furniture and jerk you short as you are trying to reach the corner of the room, gleefully wrenching a shoulder out of place in the process. This goes in tandem with the the fact that the cord will whip your legs like a frenzied snake when you try to autowind it.

Then there are the wheels that will either not move as you tug on the hose to pull the canister toward you, or that move way too much and run into your ankles. That is of course, if the damn thing will even go the direction that you have it aimed in. Usually, it will gravitate, at high speed, to any piece of furniture or doorway - even if it has to go the opposite way to achieve that feat. Canisters to obstacles are like magnets to metal!

I no longer curse the machine as it gives me fits each weekend. I no longer plot its murder. Instead, I plot insidous, devious tortures for those who invented, or are in any way connected with the making of these little beasties. Any person involved, even if they just make the motor brushes, light bulbs or wheels are not immune to my deal-making with the devil.

Now I'm if I just could come up with any good ideas!

Comments

[Cop Car]

Good tale, Bogie (but "cupable"? I assume that you last an "l" someplace!) I'm e-mailing your enlightened views to your father.

Disgusting news: Expert Seamstress now has a central vacuum system in their Loveland home; but, she still has the vacuum that she and Elder Brother had when they first married. (It may be the only vacuum they ever had prior to moving into Loveland.) But you know them: They are so fastidious that they don't keep dinner or paper napkins in their house--never having needed one!

That vacuum is just like the one your father and I started with--a Hoover Constellation, I believe it was called. It's demise may have come so early that you no longer recall that we had it, but it had no wheels. It was globular, about 17" in diameter, and rested on a rubber ring. It didn't need wheels because the exhaust exited straight down, allowing the thing to hover on an air cushion. We've gone through at least 3 or 4 uprights and a like number of cannister vacuums since then.

[bogie]

Yep, that word was supposed to have another "l" in it.

I don't remember the hovering vacuum. Wish I did, it would be cool to see in action!

[Cop Car]

How kind of you not to chastise my "o" for turning into an "a".
P.S. I sent your posting on to HH last night. Just now he dropped in to say what a good writer you are and that you had used a couple of words that he was surprised you knew. Silly him. I'm not sure who would be the last standing if we had a family define-that-word-and-use-it-in-a-sentence bee. There are no slouches, I'd say. Your generation can certainly hold its own--and probably whup us elders.

[Jay]

We want a Dyson.

But at least mine has never given me as much trouble as you describe.

[bogie]

Cop Car - Um, Dad does realize I write for a living (not that I've written much lately and it seems I make databases for a living) and read voraciously right?

Jay - I really just want a maid, but I don't see that happening any time soon!

[Ronni]

You speak the truth about vacuum cleaners. I once used one that is free of most of these irritations. I believe its brand name is Miele - but it costs about $1000.

[Cop Car]

Ronni--When we built this house, I wanted a really quiet dishwasher; but, the Miele dishwasher, too, was pricey. Well, when you want a Mercedes, you pay for a Mercedes. I got a Ford--LOL.

Bogie--What do YOU think? *sigh* Why he didn't cede word superiority to you and to Dudette, long ago, is beyond me. He probably has you two internalized as giggly girls in grade school (not a bad image!) Come to think of it--he probably didn't read as many of your school papers as I did so he didn't see you developing as a writer. You were always good at it. OTOH: He loves you both very much--always has. There never was a prouder father.

[bogie]

Ronnie - when I win Powerball, I'll look into buying one of those (or I'll look into a maid - whatever).

Cop Car - I think he just forgets. He seems surprised everytime we come down there and I tackle the crossword puzzle (after letting him have an appropriate amount of time with it).

[Cop Car]

In general, despite what "they" say about women's doing so, I cannot parallel process. (That is why I get distracted so easily--according to ME.) However, I do something akin to parallel processing when it comes to word puzzles--thinking of the many different meanings/ways of using the word. This seems to be something that is not second-nature to HH. He will miss those peripheral uses--especially if they're a bit off-the-wall. You, I'd bet, have no problem, at all, juggling the various uses/meanings--much more quickly than I could. Of COURSE you are good at crossword puzzles. (Just don't cross swords on them with my Elder Brother. He, or his bride, would whup our asses, handily! They are just plain smarter than I. Guess I must take pride in them as my relatives rather than being envious, huh?)

[bogie]

I have no doubt the EB and his bride would hand me my ass. I don't get to do crosswords nearly enough (I actually can't remember the last time I did one - maybe last fall). I am rusty and out of practice.

That being said, even if I managed to solve several crosswords a day, I don't think I would stand a chance against them!