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August 09, 2006

Tips for the Heat

I was thinking along these lines the other day - from the New Hampshire Union Leader, 8/7/06 edition:

Joe McQuaid: Apparently the world's experts think we're all a bunch of idiots

By JOSEPH W. MCQUAID

I LOVE IT when the news media — this newspaper included — quote experts explaining what I am supposed to do when it's hot out. Apparently, none of us has ever been in such a situation before or, if we were, the heat so addled our brains that we forgot what we did to survive.

So I am grateful for the reminders. Otherwise, I might sit like a melted lump and wait for the lady of the house or the kindness of strangers to stick an IV into me and cart me away.

My favorite tip is the one that urges me to "drink more liquids." If not for this reminder, I would most likely do one of two things. Either I would attempt to drink a solid, which could be harmful, or I would not think to drink at all, and perish.

Notice how the recommendation is never merely that I should "drink more." My theory here is that government agencies, the Red Cross, etc., feel it politically incorrect to urge people to "drink more." This sounds like an invitation to crack open a Miller Lite or something.

In fact, the helpful hints go on to specify what kind of liquids I should drink. "Juices and water" are about it. No carbonated beverages (what used to be known in these parts as tonic), no alcoholic drinks (what I currently and lovingly refer to as gin and tonic), and not even anything really cold.

I should also turn on an air conditioner, something else that never would have occurred to me. And if I didn't have one, I should "seek the lowest point" in my house. I think that would be my kitchen. At least, that's the lowest point in my wallet right now.

Some of these heat tips are themselves behind the times. Hip people don't "drink." They "hydrate." It is important, in the heat, to "keep hydrated." Makes it sound like we are all plants, don't you think? But plants don't wear light and light-colored clothing, which is another tip, without which last week I would have likely dressed up in a wool scarf, hat, mittens, and my dark overcoat.

If I do feel thirsty, I am told, it's probably too late to "hydrate." I am probably a goner. They may as well stick a fork into me. I'm done.

Speaking of hip, did you know that the latest hip fad among teens consists of covering someone's lawn, roof, car, etc. with plastic forks?

Apparently, this is the 21st Century version of tossing rolls of toilet paper. I'm not sure I like either one, so I will await instructions from the experts.

Meanwhile, the only tip I have to offer you is to stay out of the hot sun. Remember, it's not the heat, it's the stupidity.

I posted the whole thing as these things tend to go to the archives rather quickly.

Posted by Bogie on August 9, 2006 at 04:17 AM in Funnies | Permalink

Comments

Do they put the forks prongs down?? I've never heard of that trend.

Posted by: buffy at Aug 9, 2006 11:37:16 AM

drink more juice, well im glad they said, id never have thought of that!
forks eh? well id best let my daughter know shes not up on the latest trend.

Posted by: bod at Aug 9, 2006 3:57:20 PM

Forks on the roof beat pink flamingos, don't you think?

Posted by: Cop Car at Aug 9, 2006 8:01:49 PM

I hadn't heard of the forks thing either - don't understand it. Of course, I never understood the TP thing either.

Posted by: bogie at Aug 12, 2006 6:37:27 AM